Build Your Own Domme

A while back while chatting with others on one of the Forums, a question was posed by one of those on line: How did your Lady get to be the head of our relationship? This question has resulted in quite a bit of thoughts going in and out of my mind and I finally decided to post something on my blog. I will also get some direct input from my Lady which I will include (often, she provides some of what I post).

I have known that I am attracted to strong women for many decades, probably since I began to enter puberty. I will cover my 'beginnings' in another post, but in a nutshell, I found myself to be sexually affected (in a positive way) by a dominate woman. My earliest attractions were to the teachers in grade school who were perfect 'role models'. And paddling was still allowed during that period.

Fast forward a few years (or was it decades!). I have never kept my attraction towards dominant women and my desire to be spanked by them from the ladies I have dated. Life is just too short. Thus, when I first started dating my Lady, we had all kinds of discussions about ourselves and I was very upfront about my desires. Now, I realize that those of us into FLR are probably in the minority and this was probably her first exposure to someone who was. It turned out that we had so much in common that it made sense to explore each other. One of the major interests of mine is music and it turned out that she was passionate about it too. On her first visit to my house, we ended up in my studio listening to some classic rock. She is the only woman who asked me to "turn it up"! Oh how that caught my attention. There were many, many other common areas of interested and I began to fall deeply in love with her (as I still am). In addition we quickly became each other's best friend.

While my interest in FLR and spanking was new to her, she certainly did not hesitate to explore things in this area. Actually our first 'play' resulted in her in the submissive role. She did find that receiving a spanking could be sexually exciting and also fulfilling of some of her latent fantasies. As our relationship developed over the years, she did some exploration of FLR including reading some of the books and magazines in my library. It is my theory that she started to become more interested in the 'benefits' of such a relationship and I also believe that women naturally fit into the role of the leader in the family. Watching her, I could see her shedding years of socialization and finding her self esteem. I encouraged her to look inward to her own power and held her accountable when she regressed. I assisted her in finding clothes that she would both feel powerful wearing and also would look powerful. There was an amazing change. She started to 'own' her own power and (much to my delight), take charge. It was a gradual process, but she now feels much more in command and is finally comfortable in holding me accountable, issuing instructions on things she wants done and presenting her expectations. Of course, I am delighted in how our relationship has progressed.

However looking back, and in the context of the question asked on the forum, were her actions mostly done to please me? Or did I facilitate her own development? Probably, it was something in between. I probably did help 'Build My Own Domme' but I think she likes the current state of our relationship. One thing I have observed in reading other blogs, forums and discussions with others into our 'lifestyle' is how different each relationship is from one another. We are probably not as much into the Femdom structure as others and my spankings are probably more at the 'playful' or 'erotic' side of the spectrum. In addition, our relationship still maintains much 'balance' and we participate as equal partners most of the time. But, more and more lately, she is comfortable knowing that she has the 'last word'.

I asked her if she felt 'pushed' into this life style. Her answer was a definite 'no'. The result was a return to her feeling of power (which she did have when growing up), after decades of being in relationships with men intent on destroying her. She found that it was more beneficial to be alone until meeting me. I believe that as a submissive man, my desires to please her enabled communication between us to blossom along with the mental, spiritual (and yes, sexual) connections. In her own words, "He enabled me, to be me". She is still growing and exploring herself and thoroughly enjoying the journey. And I love it!

She Spanked Me

This morning I was issued one of Her 'Notices of Discipline'. Seems as though she objected to some of my comments the previous night while we were watching a stupid show on TV; something about some of the tabloid type of things in the news. I have never been much for this kind of thing.

Anyway, I was 'sentenced' to a mild to moderate spanking for my 'crime'. Initially, this was to happen in the afternoon but as things developed, it was delayed until after 8PM. I participated in a great chat session hosted to one of the forums I follow (which was a great chat session). Anyway, after the chat session ended, I was directed to the bedroom for my being held accountable. My Lady had me move her 'Rack' from the kitchen area, where a new 'Rack' will be installed soon, to the bedroom. She has hung some of her smaller implements more appropriate for OTK spanking, including the DWC 'Ferule', the SMTR paddle, the NuWest hairbrush and a small paddle. I was beckoned to put myself over her lap as she sat on the bed. She then began to set me on fire with all for of the above implements. Simply put, I was thoroughly spanked. The Notice of Discipline indicated that the session was to be somewhere between 'mild' and 'moderate'. Certainly all references to 'mild' were quickly exceeded and I would contend that this spanking was certainly in the 'moderate' range and perhaps beyond. As I am entering this, I am sitting none too comfortably as she really did spank me! (Oh and yes, not only did I need it but I LOVED it). I Love Her so!

UPDATE: March 18, 2010

Well, here it is only a couple of days later and I got spanked again. Something about comments made yesterday at the supermarket. She issued the Notice right there, in the store.
Its been amazing to watch her accept her role as the Head of Household and my disciplinarian. She has become much less hesitant to issue one of her notices and also to make sure the discipline indicated is carried out at the date and time she entered when issuing the form. I just received 25 from her leather paddle and leather strap on the bare.
I guess if I want to avoid these spankings, I will really have to begin to watch my behavior. Decisions, Decisions!

Leather Strap

Here are pictures of my Lady's newest addition to her arsenal. Its a leather strap and uses the same leather stock as was used in the Wooden Handled strap described previously. As with the previous project, I have posted a detailed description of the construction of this implement on the 'At Her Feet' forum. The link to that forum is provided in the FLR resources area of this blog.





My Lady has found that she really likes the strap and its quickly becoming one of her favorites. She has told me that it feels to her like an extension to her own hand and really likes the balance. I have already felt the affects of its use by her and can assure you it has quite an impact. I can also relate that she has quickly learned how to control its application to a naughty bottom. Below is a picture I snapped shortly after she set my bottom on fire after her first 'serious' application of it.

Real Life

I have appreciated many of the thoughts, feelings and observations of other bloggers relating to their FLR relationships. It is obvious that we all are residents of the 'real' world and that sometimes life gets in the way of our expectations and fantasies.

A few days ago, I really lost control of myself and had what can be best described as a selfish tantrum. It was over something that was very insignificant but was the 'straw that broke the camel's back' (don't you hate idioms?). The day before, I had my taxes done and this was the first year I filed as a single person (I had been legally seperated from my eX since 2006), I had to deal with several tax issued relating to my retirement and there was a tax-related issue brewing with my eX. All things considered, my stress level was rather high.

My Lady took it all in strided and 'talked me down' rather skillfully. But it was too late; I had really crossed a line. I really felt bad and was hoping that she would hold me accountable with a blistering spanking that not only had I deserved but desparetly needed. Instead, she 'blew it off'. I was expecting to be served with one of her 'Notices of Discipline (see previous post), but nothing happened. Her lack of response actually made things worse. Did she not care? Did she not love me? Did she ...? I was totally wondering what was going on in her mind.

Our mornings usually begin with me rising between 5 and 7AM. I usually check my e-Mail (I subscribe to way too many Yahoo Groups), and check out the activity on the blogs and forums I follow. My Lady usually doesn't get up until between 9 and 10AM. So, I thought I would add some comments to one of the blogs I follow (Ma'am Yes Ma'am). I had published some comments the previous day and knew that she wanted to read what I had written. Thus I know that she would also see anything I wrote this morning. I layed out my feelings and concerns in a reply to a subject that was totally relavent to what had happened.

Well, it worked. Turns out that she really felt that I should be held accountable for my actions but still felt hesitant in actually taking steps in that direction. It was as if she still needed 'permission' to discipline me. After reading my posts, she realized that she didn't need 'permission'. Instead, as the Lady in Charge, she felt that she was empowered, after all. It was a revelation that I really am serious about this FLR stuff!

Anyway, I have now been served with two 'Notices of Discipline': One addresses the specific behavior that led up to my 'tantrum' and the other directly address my tantrum. As I am writing this, she has 'petticoated' me and I have been given a 'mild' spanking. Soon I will be cooking dinner for her, still dressed in the bright red panties she has requited me to wear with my bottom matching the red color. Much to my own pleasure, we received a shipment 'Secrets in Lace' this afternoon and I have been treated to a 'fashion show' with her dressed in her new black garter belt along with heels and stockings. Tomorrow, I will probably get a taste of the new implements that I have made for her: the PurpleHeart Paddle, Wooden-Handled Strap and another all-leather strap (I will be publishing a description of that implement soon). She has indicated that the discipline level tomorrow will besomewhere between 'moderate' and 'severe'. And it is nothing less that I deserve (and NEED).

With the events of today, all I can say is that I am still falling further and further in love with her and feel like I am the luckiest guy on the planet. I am a skeptic of any existence of an 'afterlife' but I have to admit that I now live in 'Heaven'.

Wooden Handled Strap

Being retired, Its nice to have time to dedicate to 'fun' projects. In a previous post I described how I made a paddle for my Lady out of Purpleheart wood. I just completed my second project, a leather strap with a Wooden handle. It was my attempt to replicate an implement I use to have which was a favorite of mine. The handle is made from red oak and is 3/4 inches thick and 8 inches long. The strap extends from the handle a little over 12 inches. This turned out to be an instrument that delivers rather heavy discipline.

I have outlined a detailed description of its development and construction on the 'At Her Feet' forum in the area labled 'Workshop'. The link to this forum is included in my blog.

As with the Purpleheart Paddle, my Lady really likes this strap, especially since I made it for her. So far she has mostly just taken it for a 'test drive' but she is looking forward to the chance to really lay it on me. I must say that I am also anxious for her to up the level of application. When the fantasy of her using it to discipline me changes to reality, I forsee me loving to hate it!

Here are two pictures, one assembled the other showing the individual parts.:

Style

I have found myself attracted to strong willed, assertive, dominant women since about fourth grade (another story, another post). I also found my own sexuality tied to a woman spanking me very early on. I guess I was one of the lucky ones in that I never really felt weird or guilty about my leanings, even though I knew that it might not be considered 'normal or mainstream'. I still remember finding F/M material in an adult bookstore. I must have been about 15 or so and was delighted to know that there were others 'like me'.

Fast forward quite a few years: I remember when the internet just began to be commonplace and people like us began to connect. It seemed like when you found another person into this lifestyle, the assumption was made that they must be quite like you. However, lately, as more and more people have posted blogs, forums, etc. and as they have opened up themselves, it is becoming very apparant that we are all different in the way we approach our Female Led Relationships (FLR). There have even been some rather heated discussions in some of the groups and forums.

In my case, our FLR has evolved over the period of time I have been with my Lady. I have had two previous long term relationships and the last one failed about 5 years ago, or so. It was then that a woman from the coven I belonged to said, "You have got to meet my mom". Will, I did and she and I have been together about 4-1/2 years, now. She turned out to me my 'no compromise Lady' and we share many interests. Of course, I introduced her to my interests in spanking and such, and at first she participated, mostly as a bottom. However, as she read more from my library, saw more videos and met a few women who had found their own power, my Lady began to find her own power and (much to my delight) now considers herself the leader of our relationship. She is still learning and things are still evolving, but I have grown to love her more and more as she is finding her base of power.

We (like so many other couples) have developed a contract. Ours is a F/M version of a Spencer Spanking Plan. In addition, I have produced a 'Certificate of Authority' which I have signed and is proudly displayed in our kitchen/dinette area of our house, as shown at the left.


This certificate is placed directly above my Lady's 'rack'. As indicated in previous posts, I have begun to make paddles and straps. I have just finished a wooden handled strap and another all leather strap is almost finished (Future posts will describe them). Thus my Lady's rack continues to grow and I am currently planning to build a wider one with more capacity.

Our contract provided for my Lady keeping a 'log' of misbehaviors. However, often they were not being entered and sometimes when they were, the discipline was not administered. Her log was turning into a 'black hole of discipline'. So, we worked out a new solution: A 'Notice of Discipline' form. This is loosely based upon a 'Detention Slip' as is apparently still being used in our schools. If you do a search on 'Detention Slip' you will find many companies who offer them. So, I set out (with plenty of encouragement from my Lady) to design one for her use. I set it up as a 'table' in a word processor. When printed the forms are the size of a recipe card and she keeps completed forms in a recipe card file box. (It has been interesting to look back at trends and such!). I have printed a number of these forms and most of them are attached to our refrigerator so that they are handy for her to issue a 'citation'. She also keeps a few forms in her purse for the times that we are out and about. (She asked me to confess that sometimes I can get a bit unruly in the grocery store. She also asked to share that she carries a 'purse paddle' too. This made quite a hit at one of the SMTR munches here in Seattle).

So we have found something that works for us and have developed our own style regarding our FLR. It is probably different than what other couples have developed for their own style. But as we share with each other, we can all pick and choose what works for us. As long as we keep an open mind and provide an approach of 'tolerance', we should all benefit.